Couple of thoughts on spouse, marriage, and kids. I’m not sure what leads me to this, I think there was discussion on my twitter timeline couple of weeks ago regarding marriage and i want to share my take on these.
This actually works both way: before you look for certain qualities from your spouse, you’ll need to look into the mirror and ask yourself whether you already have those qualities or not:
- You can’t expect perfect spouse because you are not perfect as well.
- What you can look for is a person who is compatible with what you, your beliefs, and your goals. On top of that, person who can grow and move on next phase of life together.
- Look for someone you can talk to for hours without being bored. I think it was Om Arie who perfectly sums it: when you’re old and can’t physically do anything, talking is all you have. So make sure you’re with someone you’re comfortable talking to + discussing anything that interests you.
- Besides physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual compatibility, another significant factor on choosing spouse: financial literacy. This doesn’t mean he / she should be able to have tons of salary, but more of he / she should know what to prioritize and how to manage money – especially with what you can earn. This needs to be seriously emphasized because if a family’s financial decision is poor, it’ll only lead to more trouble. in reality any things start from economic standpoint.
- Marriage is not the destination; it is literally mark of new beginnings. This is pretty much why i dislike Hollywood’s interpretation in rom-com which makes wedding as the destination of the story.
- Marriage basically unifies two families, not only two persons. So put that in your consideration: first and the foremost, the compatibility of you with your spouse, then the compatibility of you with his/her family + her/him with your family. This is one of the tough lesson i learned after being married; I used to think that everything my family + extended family do are “normal”. However having in-laws opens new perspective where there are other ways of doing thing. You might find yourself surprised.
- You need to know how much it costs to run a family before you’re starting one so you can prepare yourself and the capability to make it run. Probably think of family as a company; however instead of producing profit, it produces broader level of meaning for your life.
- Having kids are lots of work. It literally changes everything: it changes your routine, it changes your priority, it changes your activities, etc. It is so much work it makes me understand and respect people’s decision if they intentionally decides not to have kid. However, it also offers with variety of experience that you’ll probably never have unless you have kid. I think it enriches your experience as a human being and i personally think it is worth the effort – if you’re ready for it.
- Paradox to previous point: you’ll never be fully ready. Sometimes it just happen and all you can do is to live up to the task.
- The first three months of newborn is really tough. After three months, it is actually still tough, it’s just the first three months you’re still in a massive shock 😅
- If you think you know everything about kids, you’ll be humbled later with how much you haven’t known.
- When my son was months, i thought that once he’s capable of crawling things will be easier. When he was capable of crawling, i thought when he’s capable of walking things will be way easier. Turns out it wasn’t 🤣Every phase of the kid’s life has its own challenge so just enjoy the ride.
- Having kids are tough.. i think i’ve said it 😅However so does the reward. I think that is the balance: the greater the challenge, the greater the rewards. One of the best sleep i had so far is when i put my kid to sleep and i hold his hand then i ended up falling asleep as well.
- Kids’ logistics are quite expensive. Birthing cost, milk, clothing, vaccines, medicine, food, education, they are costly. However it is not an unsolvable problem.
- Be the parents your kids deserve to have. I personally still struggle with this. They don’t ask you to brought you to this world, so it’s your responsibility to be the best and thoughtful parent you possibly can until they can stand with their own feet.
- At some point, you’ll be tired. That’s totally normal. Take some rest.
- At some point the kid grows old and behaves a little quirky and you realize that when you were kid, that is exactly how you behave.. the kid behaves exactly like you 🤦♂️
I think that’s all i can write for the time being. I’ll probably post follow up about this.